Part IV: The Worst Straight Man in the World - Days of Being Kao

ภาคสี่ - มนุษย์ฝ่ายชายแทร่ที่ยอดแย่ที่สุดในโลก

Jan 2

An useful tip when traveling in Istanbul: exchange a ton of 50 and 100 bills because everyone here wants tips.

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Jan 5 

Takk

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Jan 6

Eventually I couldn’t avoid the inevitable. I’m ready for all consequences even though they'd be the roughest this time.

Rewatched Fallen Angels again and the person just walked past the TV when the scene of the song 1818 came. It’s a perfect movie dedicated to all lonely, weird, hungry, horny people. Cheers.

A good (?) coincidental formula

1+8+1+8 = 18 

1+8 = 9

9 = Nine = Kao.

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Jan 7

ควยเอ๊ย

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Jan 8

Today Bambi asked me if I wanted to be a volunteer for her friend who was working on an online article about fortune reading in Thailand. Huh, such a coincidence. Having my fate read by three fortune tellers for free, why refuse?

One of the fortune tellers saw my birthday and he said this year would be really tough for me. I’d have to be "constantly on the go” for the next four-five years, meaning I’d have to travel a lot, be always worried about work and money-making. No chance of settling down anywhere with anyone. Thanks for giving me no hope about love, Ar-gong (a term to call a Thai-Chinese Grandpa) He also kept emphasizing that I would find “the one” in my 30s and should marry her at that moment. If so, I wouldn’t ever get divorced in this life. “Actually, it’s kinda predictable for someone like you who studies abroad and doesn't know where to end up eventually,” Z. told me after me telling her about this. “Besides, it’s likely that relationships of people in their 30s tend to last longer as they’ve learnt from their teenage years,” she added. That’s true. But I think in my case things are different. I do want to have a steady job before building a family, and after her I haven’t felt things for anyone. 

Even if I find someone in the meantime and know it’s not gonna last, would I still date her? Yes. I’d appreciate that relationship. It reminded me of Amy Adams in Arrivals that her character still chooses to experience all of the bittersweet family things, with the death of her future child and the divorce. Life really is a life-long learning and regretting.

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Jan 10

Haha, just asking people out for a cafe is barely possible.

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Jan 11

I’ve realized that Europe and I will be so done for a big while after my graduation. I now don’t see my future here. So Singapore has become my top choice for my career path. It was always one of my possibilities. Just contacted someone there to meet him in March and talk about my plans.

Today in a Greek lesson, we talked about problems among local students. For the past few months, I’ve noticed a lot of undergrads have to work part-time to self-fund themselves for tuition and living. Life is really expensive here especially for those who’ve come from small towns and villages, our teacher confirmed. That’s a reason many of them can’t finish their degree in four years as they should. Some of them even don’t want to do their bachelor’s thing in the first place. Not to mention the marketplace situation for the new grads. Okay, these are the same problems all over the world, but it seems more hopeless here for a person like me.

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Jan 12

Me. Singapore. Home. All the credits to you.

(Actually I’d thought about it for a while, but I finally made the decision.)

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Jan 14

This afternoon I met with Z. in the kitchen and ended up talking about my unhappiness for the past two years. I said academia didn’t fit me anymore. I always knew that from the first two weeks I’d started doing this, but I couldn’t just quit. So I was, still am, struck, don’t know what else to do but put up with it.

“You can’t control everything, but you can control your perception,” she said. That’s true, I agreed

“It seems like a good prep talk,” Miss Earrings just came back, hearing the discussion.

“We all are on the same boat here,” I said as we’re still involved with our studies for half a year.

…..

Is it strange to compliment a girl “handsome” (in a Thai term, to be precise, we say “husband-like handsome") when she really is sometimes because of the clothes, accessories, etcetera? I said so to her when I saw one of her photos. She laughed big time, doubting my opinion. I even almost choked on water.  “It’s a compliment, trust me,” I said.

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Jan 19

Last night I made a (recurring) joke that I should party more. Then today, I met some Greeks who eventually invited me to an “anarchist” party. Good God, you’re really messing me up. 

Eventually, I didn’t go there. It was quite far from the flat and I wasn’t really in the mood.

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Jan 20

First (and probably last?) snow in Salonica this year!

Watched Before Sunset tonight with K. as part of the Before program this weekend. As in the movie Jesse became famous with his book and Céline had her own journal, we talked about the writings of our journals. I was quite impressed that she has been writing hers for years. I don’t know if I could do so after July. 

It’s good to get things out of our minds by writing them somewhere, we both agreed. Journals are some sort of evidence and great reminders that things we’ve written really happened. Personally, I think we all have to find the right words for those journals to express all of our feelings and thoughts and to, at last, understand ourselves. 

“That’s so exciting,” she said when I told her I’d publish this. “Send the link when you publish it so that I could say ‘I hate it’ ‘I don’t like it,” she joked. “Thank you for an honest thought,” I laughed.

By the way, thank you to my dear readers for having read all of my rant and thoughts until here.

Please criticize and comment, but don’t be unreasonably too harsh.

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Jan 21

I think one of Thessaloniki's charms is its view on the beach. I’ve recently noticed that sometimes Mount Olympus just melts into the clouds and the sky as if it didn’t exist. Today was one of those days too.

That made me think of myself. I ain’t expect people to appreciate or be grateful when I do some good things for them or do them some favor. But many times, some just ignore me as if I was inferior to them. I used to seek attention from these people by doing more. Now, I just don’t give them a damn. 

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Lately the whole heating system in the flat has worked properly. I wonder why the heck the technician didn’t come up with an effective solution two months before. But well, better late than never.

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When I finished watching Shaolin Soccer, I went to the kitchen to cook some dinner. There were four, five people, including me, at the same time. One talked to another, and then to the other while I was preparing my chicken, drowning in my own head. Gradually, they started to leave one after another, and finally I found myself alone, sitting there with the smell of my Salsa chicken and Z.’s cake. 

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Maybe after July, you might not wanna come back to this city either.

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Jan 22

Last night I dreamed the card was left in the kitchen as if it was worthless.

It reflected my internal fear that it wouldn’t be on the desk anymore someday. With that I could be devastated.

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Jan 23

Finally got my skinhead haircut after months thinking about it! Dekko, the barber, repeatedly asked me if it wouldn’t be too short. “Go for it,” I said. I felt so alive when I left, then grabbed a drink at Naked, a café-bar just across the street.

“I think you look… older…. In a good way,” Z. told me. “Okay, you mean, mature?” I asked back, she seemed to agree. “But no, he looks younger,” Juan said so because he had once seen a picture of me as a little monk ten years ago. Man, time flies. Then she came in with her jaw dropped. “Maybe you should get some flowers or stars like I did,” she referred to her skinhead when she had her hair cut for donation. I was convinced for two seconds, but then I imagined myself doing so and it could go quite easily wrong.  “I think this is already cool enough, thank you for the idea,” I smiled. 

The beginning of "drastic" haircuts period in my life

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Recently there’s been a student occupation in the university to protest the law of privatization on universities. I understand their anger, that they would have to pay for tuition if the law was legislated. Some of them already struggle with expenses and jobs to maintain their studies. Like the others anywhere. But seizing the campus during the final exam period. Come on, a bit too extreme in my opinion. Exams have been rescheduled, and it affects international students, especially those who have to move back to their mother universities before the second semester. 

As Camus said, to rebel means to play by the rules and to know the limits. Practically, it is not always the case that people follow the rules. But limits exist. When I was doing my bachelor’s in Thailand, we protested on the streets, like any other places in the world. Even in France I didn’t see students protesting against the retirement reform during the exams (they did sometimes block the buildings’ entrances during the semester anyway). With this student occupation during the exams, they have absurdly crossed the line. In this sense, it’s not a rebellious, or even anarchist act, but a childish, irresponsible one.

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Jan 24

Tonight I wasn’t in the mood to have dinner at the canteen. So I got a take-out from a sushi place. A ten-piece deep-fried roll (yes I didn’t want to risk eating some raw Japanese ingredients in Europe) and a smoked-eel gunkan cost me 15,40 euros. Damn. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t worth that much. While finishing the meal, I recalled those 5-baht sushis from stands during my childhood. They were shit, but I really enjoyed having them after school. Remembering this, I just realized how far I’ve come. 

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The sound in the Zone of Interest was definitely one of the most powerful and memorable ones to me since Memoria. 

Despite the endless list of World Wars movies, politicians and some people have never learnt the horror of genocide. There are some “interests” for them to exploit the suffering of the common men, and that is purely animal.

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Bambi asked me today how my “life graph” was. It didn’t take me much time to think about it. The first half year is always shitty, I’ve observed myself for the past few years. Something big and terrible happens. Then there’s a more peaceful, happier time during June to my birthday. After that things get horrible again, and before New Year’s Eve my life is full of hope, ready to be destroyed in the next year. 

Recently my romantic life has been particularly hopeless. Just asking people to grab a coffee or catch a movie is almost impossible. And I care too much. So I’m stuck, just staying home at night with Mr. White.

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Jan 25

First session

“I did try to see some people, asking them out for coffee, but it was, is, almost impossible.”

“So you don’t have any friends.”

I was speechless for two seconds, then continued to speak. “Yeah, you could say so. Yeah. I know many people, but I don’t have many friends.” At least not here, and in France. It’s a fact that I forgot for too long.

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Just realized that now I’m the only male in the apartment. Anyway I don’t feel awkward being around them as I consider myself to be a “housewife”, yes I use this word instead of househusband, to take care of things in the flat. It feels more homy to me. 

I still remember the laugh when I first used this term.

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We have us, at least. I guess?

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Jan 27

Last night I took a free trial salsa lesson from a dance school nearby the apartment. It was so fun and full of energy that I decided to subscribe to a monthly plan to go there every Friday evening. Coming back, K., her friend, bought a chocolate-strawberry cake to thank us for letting her stay over for some weeks. “I just had a salsa lesson, now I have this piece of cake. It’s a great night for me!” I said. It was a pleasure to have met and talked with her. “Maybe see you in my town if you have a chance to go there,” she said. In the meantime, “I’m reading your movie reviews on Letterboxd. Even though you write them in Norwegian, I’ll just translate them on Google Translate,” I laughed. 

“Now we switch roles,” she said when I was leaving the flat for this ESN Latin dance party. I don’t think this would happen often haha, but well. At the party, however, I felt awkward as most of the people dancing knew what they were doing. I was just too worried of counting the beats, ending up dancing randomly. But there were two group dances to some songs. I just joined and followed the moves from people around and that was awesome. Tried, came back at 2. After all it wasn’t a total role switch, I guess. 

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Jan 28

I was talking with Maité about the meanings of our names (and of my Thai nickname). I told that Kao means nine, and the word nine sounds similar to the verb “to walk, to progress”, hence a lucky number among Thais. And Peerachai means “glorious warrior”.

“If your name means good, why do you still worry in your life,” Z. asked.

I was stunned for two seconds.

“Just because my name is good doesn’t mean that I’d succeed in my life, no? It’s just a sign,” I argued.

“But the sign can be something you hold on to,” she said.

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Jan 30

Last night I dreamt I’d gone to this fried chicken and BBQ restaurant and met Ayo Edebiri. I was so surprised that I couldn’t order anything, just staring at the menu. By the time I decided what to eat, I woke up.

If my throat didn’t hurt today, I’d go to Crats, my favorite fried chicken joint here.

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On Sunday I called back home. My parents weren’t that surprised I got a buzzcut. My mom said that I looked even more “muscular.” Hmm. Maybe this haircut just made my face a bit bigger, and healthier (?).

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I’ve been aware for a long time that I’ve ignored some (or many?) of my childhood friends because I don’t feel “clicked” with them anymore. So when they send a message to ask for a reunion, I just delete the whole chat so that I don’t have to read it at all. A few really want to see me, I know. But what to do if you don’t have a desire for such thing.

I also feel that some people here do the exact same thing to me. When I ask if they’re interested to hang out with me and grab a coffee together, they reply late, or don’t answer me back at all. It’s as if my existence was simply ignored. Like, last week I tried, but it didn’t work. So I just unsend the messages. I didn’t, and don’t, want to push things anymore. Pushing things is one of the mistakes I’ve made. Even though I understand all of this, it still hurts. I simply end up being a lonely person and have to put up with it. Some might say it’s krama, which it is. But I wouldn’t mind anymore if I couldn’t break this cycle. 

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I never regret caring for her. It has been my total willingness. I still consider myself lucky to meet the one of this very moment, if not of my entire life, but I don't think of her romantically nor erotically. Meeting and knowing her is worth all my suffering for the past two years. I don’t want to lose her in my life, frankly. 

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I understand this kind of people as I consider myself to be one of them. They are bourgeois (or even rich), educated, well-positioned, polite, but picky, stubborn, horny and ultimately lonely people. 

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You’re my inspiration.

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Jan 31

On the way to Aarhus. Saw a man looking like Alexander Skasgaard, and the other like Matthew Perry (oh God I miss him, just mentioned Chandler yesterday).

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Feb 3

Lying stupidly on a bed in my Copenhagen airbnb now. 

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When I was walking in Aarhus city center with Rin and Christian the other day, I thought of us as those Past Lives characters. I hadn’t said anything, afraid that it would make him nervous or something, until a friend of Rin’s DM’ed her and said this was like a scene from the movie. “I was gonna refer nothing to Past Lives,” I joked. “I haven’t watched it, neither has he. So I don’t know how all this could be like the film,” she replied and didn’t look serious. Despite some similarities, we weren’t past-livesizing my visit. I came here because I didn’t have many things to do in Salonica and just felt lonely, bored. Plus, I’d never been to Denmark and wouldn’t have thought of visiting the country if Rin hadn’t stayed here.

Rin and I are not like Nora and Hae Sung. We don’t have feelings for each other anymore. But, we still care. We’ve been there for each other as friends as we share some experiences of doing our masters. It wouldn’t be exaggerating to say I couldn’t imagine myself surviving these two years without her. That’s why I consider her as family, not just a best friend. 

“Rin is family to me, and that means you’re too,” I addressed Christian before leaving (oh my God he is so handsome and charming). I’m glad that he asked her to try things out when they were gonna separate last year and Rin had to move to the Netherlands for her third semester. This is meant to be. “It’s the butterfly effect, his effort that day brought me here”, Rin recalled while we were walking in a forest, the rain chasing us. “This is not just a butterfly effect, I argued, it’s a picking-a-flower-rocks-the-star kind of effect.” I prefer using the Thai equivalent for “butterfly effect” to the English expression because it sounds more dramatic.

Although they still have to figure things out in their life, at least they have each other’s back. I really am happy for them.

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Last night I went to 'bird.', a cocktail bar nearby my Airbnb, and had a chance to talk with the director of a Danish national dance center. He also studied literature as well. I liked when we talked about the notions of East and West and their relations to literature. In the past, the “East” to the Europeans was Israel and Greece, and the latter has always been associated with a bunch of world philosophers and poets. But to us, the Thais, we were, and still are, more familiar with Chinese and Indian cultures. I’d even say India was the “West” to us because of the spread of Buddhism in the Ashoka’s era. In school, we don’t study much “Western/European” literature, but Ramayana, Buddhist myths and some Thai classics. We should have had more chances to read and criticize some foreign works in English classes, instead we spent time just memorizing the grammar and the vocabulary, hence a low proficiency in English among us, as well as a lack of critical thinking and an incapacity to be connected with the rest of the world. That’s a shame.

Then we talked a bit about his teenage life and mine. He said his dad didn’t pave any way for him and he had to figure things out by himself. He avoided doing so to his son, who is around my age. But to me, I’ve just tried not to follow my old man’s path. I’ve come this far and have no other choice but to build my own success - I didn’t say this to him.

After all, it was a reflective discussion to me, and I was a bit sorry I wouldn’t be in Copenhagen long enough to see a piece of dance performance he had curated for next Friday.

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Random things in Denmark

Feb 4

Last night I dreamt that I’d sung Moderndog’s Kon (ก่อน ; Before) and translated it to her. Lately I’ve associated the sunlight shed on the balcony to the song and the person. 

Like the song’s lyrics go, her love has been merciful, encouraging me to fight against this cruel world.

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Feb 7

That might affirm my assumption that she didn’t want to be even friends with me. No hard feelings because I’ve also done that to some of my old friends. 

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Feb 8

Second section

“Do you think your parents raised you two differently?” 

That was an interesting question. Although they did raise us in much the same way and kept telling us so, I’ve just realized that they might have actually spoiled him and given me more freedom. Perhaps that’s why we turned out so different and were never really on the same page to anything. 

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Feb 9

Preparing crispy pork belly for the first time: not easy and satisfying as expected. 

So excited for tomorrow’s Lunar New Year dinner! Will be friends and associates of mine and Z.’s, about 14 people in total. This will be the biggest (dinner) party I’ve ever thrown, quite impressive to me considering that I’m not that social after all.

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This Lunar New Year really surprised me.

I was walking down the street, checked messages and saw someone on LinkedIn interested to reach out to me. She’s recruiting a new associate as an information broker: the HQ is in Athens.

Damn, this could change things. 

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Feb 12

Today’s lesson: stick to original plans.

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So there’s a dead end for a job position in Athens as they’re looking only for a full-time employee. I don’t regret much because Singapore is my top priority for my career future. 

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Last Saturday, I co-hosted with Z. a Lunar New Year dinner party at our place. Eventually my first-ever crispy pork belly turned out okay after the third fry, and all of that one-kilogram pork belly was out! I was so happy with this. The guests also liked vegetable green curry, boiled egg brown soup and Thai Southern stir-fried ground chicken. The Chinese cake with green beans and salted egg yolk met a mediocre reception, but at least I tried to bring something unusual to them to taste. Z. made Mie Goreng and vegan brownies. I even clapped when she dressed her noodles with my Sriracha sauce: it was just a way the Thais eat. 

All the guests (mine, Z.’s and Miss Earrings'), Maïté and her boyfriend seemed to have a good time and amiable discussions together. I just enjoyed biting pork belly bones quietly. If she hadn’t happened to sit besides me on the couch, I’d have just sucked more meat from those bones.  

Then, I’ve realized that all my life, I’m a person who is good at bringing people together, but not the one who profoundly gets along with people and the one who is a life of the party. I’d just hang out and talk with people, then find a quiet spot to chill out and drink, and then do some dishes. All that happened that night, and I still felt happy. I wish I could have chatted more with those people. I wish I hadn’t been awkward and speechless to one.

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Watched Anyone But You tonight, and the term “situational” just struck me. I’ve always thought if the thing I had, still have, for the person is situational or not. Let’s say that situations played a little part in this and helped me learn things about… But above all, that thing is real. 

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I didn’t hug her the person because if I had done so, I’d have absolutely crossed the line. I think I’ve already crossed it far enough.

It happened around the same time last year. That day I was down big time and decided to go to a sauna. On the way, Abiba texted me and I somehow told her that I didn’t feel alright. Then she asked me if I wanted to talk and meet her. I turned it down. And maybe that’s why she and I both disappeared in each other’s life after that. I came across her a few times, saying nothing but 'salut'. She didn’t seem to have an interest in talking with me either. 

My problem from all this is that I reject help (and care?) when some people offer them to me. Basically, I always don’t want people to worry or get a headache with my problems as they already have enough with theirs. Perhaps that’s why I don’t feel connected to people easily. Anyway, I love when people share their worries with me: it makes me forget my own stuff even just for a little while. 

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I don’t even try to hide my stress anymore.

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Feb 18

Stunned for 15 minutes with that tone. She was really upset with me having moved her chair I’d bought. But alright, it was my fault.

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That’s the thing when I care and look after too much. Gonna talk about that with my therapist. 

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Last Saturday night I went to Brooklyn and learnt that Petros’ mother passed and he didn’t open the bar for a week. I was really sorry for him. Later, he looked a bit cheered up as many of his frequent customers (including me of course) came that night, which was nice. One of them was John Korfas, one of the most renowned basketball players in the country. Speaking of which, I notice that basketball must be also popular in this country as I’ve seen many people (actually gamblers) watching games at Opap. 

I just love the Greeks’ energy of socializing. For example, that night at Brooklyn some people didn’t know each other. They introduced themselves, shook hands and started talking quickly and naturally. I wish I could have this kind of energy.

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I am happy for the Greeks that the same-sex marriage law has passed despite the strong influence of Orthodox Church and objections. Love wins.

And when we gonna pass ours, in the land of boy love series?

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Feb 21

Last night I dreamt that Miss Earrings went to Bangkok and stayed at my house. She didn’t have any concrete plans on how to spend her vacation, just like her friend K. did when she was here in Salonica. Then she, I didn’t know why, had to go to a hospital. In real life, she’ll have an operation on her tonsil next month. She has been unwell on and off for a while.

“When I woke up, I was thinking ‘she always has to go to doctors’ wherever she is,” I said to her after telling the dream.

“Well, hopefully after next month I’ll get better,” she replied, then we were cooking in silence. Then she asked this while smiling: “did I freak you out?"

“No haha, it was a good dream.” 

She didn’t freak me out in the dream, but earlier during the day, when she was asking me about a scale we had here, I didn’t get it. “Where is your head?” she seemed annoyed. Well, I’d answer that my mind was somewhere else. Definitely not here. 

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Feb 23

On the way to Kutaisi

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Z.’s parents came to visit the apartment (which had actually happened in real life during the day). While I was talking to the father, we heard strange noises and moans from her room. There was news about an outbreak that turned people sick like zombies. As I heard her unlock the door, I was stand-by in front of her room, ready to kick her down and knock her off in case she became an undead. However, when she got out, she seemed to be just unwell, coughing and sleepy, as usual. I was relieved (well, that she didn’t turn into a zombie).

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Third section

“You have to share your issues and problems to people too, not just you listening to theirs in one way. That’s how to bond and build a relationship. Don’t worry that they will carry your problems all the way like your parents do.”

“If people get disappointed because they’ve expected too much from you, that’s their problem, not yours. You can’t be good at everything, nor please everyone.”

“It’s normal you don’t feel confident with academia, compared to work, as you don’t feel happy and fit in with the studies anymore.”

Ah, I forgot one thing to talk about. Maybe next time.

…..

Joining this, I’ve felt invisible and my participation (should I rather use the word “presence”?) hasn’t been unappreciated. If I do something good or great, it’s just so-so. But when I make mistakes, I’d be looked down on. Perhaps that’s why my self-esteem has constantly been dégradé and I just can’t wait till July arrives.

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So far, Kutaisi seems like a wonderful and peaceful place. In some ways, it reminds me of some Thai southern provinces and the Burmese upcountry, with some traits of the Soviet era of course. Today the weather was super great, sunny and airy, so I decided to roam all around the city. The highlight was Bagrati cathedral whose panorama view is purely breathtaking, at least to me. I spent about 15 minutes appreciating the city and mountains in front of me. Then there was this dog wandering around. I called him, he came and I just petted him. I never petted stray animals, don’t know why I did so to this one. Maybe he was lonely like me, he seemed to be. Anyway, can’t imagine how beautiful the nature outside Kutaisi will be tomorrow.

There is however one thing that really annoys me since I moved to Eastern Europe (Georgia is now a candidate state to the EU). Some people always just assume an Asian person like me is Chinese. Okay, my paternal grandma’s family came from China, but I’m not Chinese, no? Today, some kids said “China” when they saw me. “No!” I turned my back, they laughed. Whatever.

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Feb 24

It was quite blurry this time, so I couldn’t retain details. We were going to some place (probably a restaurant) with me driving. Suddenly we had a little argument over God knows what, then the dream faded away.

…..

Today I had a day-trip to some natural attractions: Sataplia (“land of honey”) cave, Prometheus cave and Martvili canyon, with Budget Georgia. The first two spots were truly amazing: it was like I was discovering some sort of Mother Nature’s Disneyland because there was music (a quite romantic one in the first cave and a classical one in the second) light show and some stories along the paths. I got dizzy while going to the last place thanks to a zigzagged route and our Dom Torretto-spirited driver (he was nice actually). The guide, George/Giorgi, was so friendly, funny and helpful. A law student, he’s three years younger than me, so we could talk about some school stuff. He taught me and other tourists some Georgian words like მეგობარი [megobari - friend] which was nice. Anyway, he complained a few times about his recent breakup (we call a guy like this “ไอ้หนุ่มคลั่งรัก [ai-num-klung-rak, a guy (who is) crazy in love]), and I tried not to go too deep in personal details. So I asked him instead what dating culture is like among the Georgians of our generation. Interestingly, he said that in Tiblisi, the capital, people are freer in any kinds of relationships wherever those in other areas, even in Kutaisi, things are still traditional, for example, guys still pay everything for their dates (recently I’ve realized that I must cut this behavior as well). Like in other countries, the youth always finds their way to get the hell out of their hometowns or villages to pursue their dreams in the capital, bigger cities or overseas.

That reminded me of the conversation I had with Z.’s dad the other day. I was talking about my resentment on job opportunities in Europe, and he said SEA was more promising now (he used to work in Malaysia). I agreed, but argued that “politically” the situation in that region was always hopeless because of a bunch of dictators. “They are everywhere, but have different titles,” he replied. “So don’t care about it too much, work and live a life.” Before I was gonna say that we couldn’t just ignore politics, his daughter did the job for me. “We can’t just forget about politics, it affects life. That’s why he wanted to move out of his country.” So true. Then I thought to myself to be lucky enough to eventually have a life outside Thailand, after nine years of teenage taken by fucking Prayut and NCPO, while some others couldn’t or got repressed. 

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Random things in Kutaisi

Feb 25

A CLE former colleague and she (again) came to Bangkok. They seemed to be very charming, sexy and cunning (in Thai we call this kind of character “เซ็กซี่ขี้เล่น [sexy-kilen]”). Anyway, while we were having some Japanese food at my house, they just had this random desire to go to a Verasu shop, a bourgeois restaurant chain and an importer of food and utensils. This was such a Bangkokian middle-class lifestyle. 

They were happy to visit Bangkok, and I was glad about that. I hugged my colleague to thank her for visiting me. When I was about to hug her, she stopped me and said “finish your ramen” with a despicable smile.

…..

I went on a wine and dine tour this afternoon. The food and drinks were really nice, but I got drunk big time. So when we came back to the tour office, I went straight back to the hostel and fell asleep for two hours. I guess my body will never get used to wine.

……

Feb 27

This time she impulsively decided to travel in Japan (as I remember more specifically, in Tokyo) with her two other girl friends. Their lifestyle seemed fit to the city. 

…..

Feb 29 

This morning I cleaned my room and apartment (now I changed my routine from Friday mornings to Wednesdays. The other day I told the person about this change. Having already noticed that, the person strangely smiled. I asked why. “Good, Friday is funday,” the person replied. “So you think Friday should be fun for a whole day? I think it can wait until the evening.), then one of my roommates thanked me for taking care of it. In the evening I watched Wim Wenders’ Perfect Days, having a great time and appreciating life. Wasn't it a perfect day for me?

No. 1 movie of the year

.....

Mar 1

I should have argued that thinking of my future really keeps me optimistic and hopeful in life. Otherwise, I could feel even more pessimistic. 

…..

Mar 6

Lately I’ve kept complaining that lack of diversity is another reason I can’t stand being here anymore.

Like Samuel in Anatomy of a Fall (which I saw again last Saturday with Elena), I’ve set traps to myself. But unlike him, I don’t blame anyone, even myself. I accept being stuck in my own settings.

I’ve also learnt how to be alright in unhappy, shitty situations. Facing difficulty doesn’t stop me from going out and living my life as I want. I won’t stay at home crying all day.

Yesterday I read a magazine to prepare myself for the interview next week. There was an article which encourages us to be sincere with ourselves when socializing. It’s okay to meet people early and get home not late to follow their routine. That’s what I do, I draw boundaries to people, rarely sticking with them up late, because I love my routine. “I like to go out during the day,” I talked to Z. the other day while I was ironing and watched Julie Delphy’s On the Verge at the flat. “And I prefer to spend the nighttime at home, as you can see.” She laughed. “I’d say I’m like a housewife.” 

I really am. 

…..

Mar 7

Fourth Section

“Finally I’m starting to learn how to be happier and more appreciative with life even though the situations are not unhappy to me.”

“Great! Good for you. You know what causes your unhappiness and right now you know how to deal with that. You have only four months left here and after that you can be wherever you want.”

“Because you have more free time now, you should be a bit more like the Greeks too. Just chill out, do things slowly and have this “μαλάκα, πάμε για καφέ! damnit, just go for a coffee” mentality while living here.” 

…..

Today was “τσικνοπέμπτη [tsikno-Thursday]” celebration which marks the beginning of Carnival season every year. On the streets people grill some meat and make some nice smoke to tease gods who can’t eat any of that food (“tsikno” kinda means smoke). Parties are of course inevitable.  I noticed in the morning that children just dressed up well, some even wearing makeup and nice costumes, to school. I didn’t expect that there’d be a celebration at Greek class too. So, no lesson! I danced my ass off, smoking a cigar given by a Russian classmate (when I return to BKK, I have to bring my old Russian textbook here). Then I joined the ESN’s party a bit. It was another fun day. But I won’t drink much alcohol during the day anymore. Still have some headache till now. 

…..

Mar 8

Now I’m just simply acting as a bad student, skipping a CLE activity this weekend and now visiting Warsaw (which I planned a month before, sorry Christina I lied to you.) 

So far, I’ve found the Polish capital more modern than I thought. Its public transportation seems efficient and punctual and still gets expanded. The weather now is also better than I expected, still cold but pretty sunny which I like. What is unprecedented is that I feel as if I was in France because of some French companies’ presence: Carrefour, BNP Paribas, Crédit Agricole, blah blah. Even in the Palace of Wilanów I found a portrait of Louis XIV (!). Yes, I could never really escape the shadow of France.

…..

Mar 11

I was very happy about this trip to Warsaw. First, there were some good coincidences when I visited a couple sites. Randomly enough, while I was following the path inside the Royal Palace, I just walked past a contemporary art exhibition about the Krakow group of artists. It was like I had been in the 18th century and somehow got into the Cold War era. Never thought of having an experience like this for a palace tour.

I also impulsively went to the Chopin museum because I hadn’t had any places left to go in the city. As I entered the building, a receptionist just informed me there’d be a recital concert “in five minutes.” I thought I had to pay more, but it was already included in my student 15-słoty ticket! I’d just feel overwhelmed every time I listen to music from a piano. This time I did too.

Then I went to the Warsaw Rising Museum, which is free every Monday. It was the first time I went to a WWII-related museum and it was hopeful and heartbreaking at the same time. People could always be in solidarity, rebellious and sacrificial facing the terror of fellow human beings. Unfortunately, despite the past, many leaders and authorities ignore these kinds of lessons from the past and just end up being modern-day authoritarians in the guise of liberals.

I also met Magda, a Polish postgrad who was a classmate of mine in Salonica last semester. We barely got chances to talk and know each other in class because we all had obligations and stuff to do at the moment. But eventually we did hang out once before she came back here. This time we caught things up. I was a bit surprised that she still had to take many courses while having to write a thesis. She then asked me for some advice on how to write it. Well, frankly I barely made it out.  Anyway, I told her that a structure is important, and future modifications are inevitable. She seemed to agree. After the talk she quickly took me to visit her faculty just before I left the city. The facilities were, and are, quite recent, clean and organized. “After Greece I couldn’t complain about what we have here,” she joked.

In the end this little journey was worth it, everything went well, my flight back was on even before schedule, and hopefully someday I’d revisit Poland, still having Auschwitz on my list.

Random things in Warsaw

…..

Mar 13

My journey just perfectly started.

It began with my ignorance. When I checked-in at SKG, a ground crew asked me if I had some Singapore Arrival QR code. Fuck, what the heck was that? I don’t recall if I ever did it when I went there five-six years ago. Fortunately, the crew wrote me a website to get that QR and it was just a formality, so there was no big deal with that.

Later, when I arrived in Istanbul for a transit, I found out that the flight was delayed for 5:30 freaking hours. All Turkish Airlines compensated was just a free meal in a food court. Eh. Okay. I didn’t mind that the staff wasn’t responsible for this, but I didn’t like their attitude. They were just like “Hey, we’re just assigned to give you free meals. Can’t do anything else for you” not “We apologize for the inconvenience. You can file a complaint on our website, here’s the contact information. We’re sorry again. ” That’s what I’d have done if I’d been one of the crews. A bit of sympathy is a good quality. 

Then I started to think to myself: why would I just get myself into this though I didn’t have to at all? I could just spend this holiday in Greece, maybe joining an ESN trip or just practicing my Greek in bars. But now I’m just pursuing this dream. Is it really my dream? Has this made me really feel better (in a way before starting the trip, yes. But now I'm not that sure). Actually last week, I got to write an interview about Eric Nam. While doing so, some lyrics in his ‘House on a Hill’ just hit me hard: “What if being happy isn’t what I thought? What if more is never enough?” But there’s no way back anymore. I have to get some answers from this. 

With CLE too. Miss Earrings once asked me why I wouldn’t just quit when I realized that these studies didn’t fit me nor make me happy. I told her there were expectations from myself and my family, plus a master degree would be a good advantage in the long term, and I studied for free. So there was no reason to “just give up.” But she might not understand another thing:  it’s harder for some people to get such an opportunity, and just throwing it away would be a total waste. We don’t come from a place where people can start doing new things over and over again like Julie in The Worst Person in the World. Every new beginning just costs too much, and sometimes too painfully, but one big shot could just make our life better. I’d not be offended anymore if someone told me I’ve done my master’s degree abroad just to “acquire knowledge” or to boost my social status.

…..

Mar 15

Singapore - Pete’s Version

Succession is no exaggeration. 

I knew I set this trap to myself, and I’d noticed strange signs before coming here. But I wasn’t naive. So I prepared myself, playing along with their game and teasing them in the guise of my politeness. I could handle most of their flirtations and just ignored them, but I didn’t see that “some good-looking Asian guy” thing coming. I was briefly stunned. How could they say that without feeling tickled? What I could barely tolerate was that they judged how I dressed and what I wore. I had on my wrist a 300-euro Tissot watch to be a bit more formal, compared to my Apple watch or my Luminox. We were talking about some maisons and watch brands I could apply for and they just said this: “Well, the watch you’re wearing is not very good.” Damn you, you fucking freak! My dad bought this for me. I got angry inside, but I stayed calm. If I saw you again, which I don’t want to, I’d make you blind with my Rolex. 

Actually, the second I stepped into the office, I just knew it wouldn’t be my ideal workplace even if they accepted me. And I’m glad they didn’t. Anyway, this trip wasn’t a waste of time. I had some good food, went to a casino for the first time in my life to have some hot pot and watch people gambling, took a big walk around the city full of greenery, which is eventually not my place. Most importantly, if I’ve been able to handle this kind of person, I can do anything and am not afraid of anyone anymore.

…..

I went to the National Gallery Singapore before that meeting. You could tell that it is different from many other art museums in the world. Not just the works of art, but also the organization and the vibe. Most of the staff was the elders, and they were all sweet and helpful. I didn’t know I had to buy a ticket to visit an exhibition I’d thought was free. But a grandpa gently told me to buy one downstairs. And many of these lovely employees greeted people. It was so cute. No one would experience something like this in any museums in Europe. There were also elders actively working in many shops and restaurants This is how to efficiently prepare senior citizens into an aging society. 

…..

I might have to brush my Chinese up. My dad and them were right: it’s a big advantage. I think I failed to really get into the language because I focused too much on its orthography, which I never liked. This time I should be more concentrated mainly on (street-smart,) oral skills as I don’t think I’d write it much compared to English, French or even Greek. “飞机来了 (Fēijī láile),” said a little boy who saw the plane arriving while I was writing this. Then his nanny, carrying his baby sister, approached him. He gently touched her head, kissing and calling her “[wo] mei mei”. Damn my pin-in is shitty.

…..

Now every time I hear “please put an oxygen mask on yourself first before helping children,” I always think of the person. 

I’m saving myself now.

Okay, bro.

…..

Mar 17

"This dude just asks about girls first,” p’ M. joked when I asked her to read (tarot?) cards for me. It was so funny (and totally hopeless) that the first card I got was a cat stabbed with ten swords when she wanted to see my general lovelife situation. I really don’t have any chances of meeting someone this year, as some fortune tellers have told me before. “Okay, stop reading it and move on to the next topic,” I bitterly laughed. To cheer me up a bit, she proposed to me to open a few more cards. It was still a dead end. 

Anyway, what interested me more was my career future after graduation. I asked what would happen if I took this or what path (about six I thought). The safest bets would be jobs related to diplomacy, foreign embassies or Thai coperates. 

…..

Mar 25

It’s been a week since I got my hair dyed red. One of the fortune tellers told me that red would be my lucky color. So I became a bit more superstitious and just got things more red.

“You should’ve had it blonde,” said my dad with a flat voice. That was funny.

…..

Mar 26

I’ve considered this brief return to BKK as a preparation before coming back here for good (?). All this time I just had this little tiny hope that I might have a shot of finding a job somewhere not at home. Not that I just give up doing so, I still want to live abroad. But after all, going back home is not a bad idea for now. At least I still have a “milestone” to start things from scratch and people whom I care about and who care about me (even though sometimes it’s overwhelming). There’s a saying “go big or go home,” we all know the meaning of this phrase. For me, right now, to go big (or bigger) could mean I have to go home first. It’s alright. 

“It is just like a wonder wheel.” “From the summit back to the basics.” My dad often says these things when we talk about life. I think I’ve been too arrogant and proud while doing this freaking master and that’s made me forget such philosophy. I now can accept the fact that a (new) peak moment in my life is yet to come, and I should be just chilled and patient. Lower expectations, and take things easier.

…..

Mar 29 

Some woman just tried to sell me drugs when I parked my bike outside the faculty before attending a seminar. Actually, I’d noticed something strange from her and her friend tried to stop her from approaching me and her friend tried to stop her from approaching me. Did I look like someone stoned or addicted? No. Oh, yes, maybe, because of my red hair..

…..

I was organizing this journal on Google Docs while attending the program’s seminar. Mme Ploumistaki sat behind me, seeing me typing, and I didn’t even hide from her. “Are you writing your doctoral dissertation, Monsieur?” she joked to me during the break. I awkwardly laughed, then continued typing. “No, Madame, this is my master’s thesis of misery,” I wish I could have replied to her so. 

…..

Apr 5

Last night I went to see Perfect Days for a second time. The film just became my cinematic getaway to happiness and peace. It’s quite pleasurable to see someone do what they really love, even cleaning public toilets in Tokyo and Shibuya (but if public toilets in Bangkok were as well-designed and creative, I’d become a janitor for those too). The first time I watched it, I kept playing “Lonely Smile” (ยิ้มเหงา ๆ), a Thai country song by Pongthep Kradonchamnan. The following lyrics could best fit with a person like Mr. Hirayama, who does what seems to be unpleasant to make his world saner and of course more sanitized :

“If I could turn half of the miserable world into a beautiful place. I would gently give it to you (ถ้าครึ่งโลกร้ายที่ฉันถากถาง คือครึ่งโลกสวย ขอมอบให้เธอ).”

…..

For the past few days, I haven’t wanted to socialize or even talk to my flatmates even though I still feel lonely. Perhaps now I’m hibernating before throwing a Thai Songkran dinner party next week which will require a lot of force and attention. I don’t know who could eventually make it.

…..

Apr 10

I just learnt that a trip p’ M. is joining right now in Switzerland is organized by a travel agency of Nissy’s parents. I watched Nissy’s IG story that her mom was sheltering herself from snow in the middle of somewhere abroad and that looked like Saint Moritz where my boss was yesterday. It’s so funny. This world is full of coincidences. And eventually we end up meeting people from our own connections.

…..

I’m a bit disappointed by their ignorance. But that’s alright. Let bygones be bygones.

……

Apr 13 

I’ve been super excited about the Songkran dinner party tonight at my place! Before typing this, I just finished cooking beef and vegetable Masaman curries and a boiled-egg soup and tasted a couple sticks of pork satay! Even Z., preparing her summer rolls, noticed me being happy while I was cooking and tasting in the kitchen. The satay thing has reminded me of my maternal great grandma who, according to my dad and my grandma, sold the best satay and its sauce. Yes, the satay sauce determines whether a cook is really good at their satay or not. I’ve just made my pork satay out of a ready-to-make herbs paste, so I’m not definitely top at the thing.

My great-grandma’s satay is another mythical thing in the family. She passed years before I was born. 

I’ll cook some more dishes this afternoon. I also love the solidarity of everyone joining the event. They are so enthusiastic and attentive for tonight as well, I’m glad.

My thumb T T

…..

I sarcastically nicknamed this dinner party  “super Thai soft power”. Our current government and the previous junta one have tried to push “Thai soft power” with a hope that it could be a big success like the Korean Wave. Basically they just put a label on what has already been successful or cultural heritages: from Lisa, the hit comedy-horror The Undertaker (สัปเหร่อ) to Wichianburi grilled chicken (wtf) and Muay Thai. Well, these have just a little or no “soft power” in themselves. They are simply “assets” (I like this term very much but don’t remember in which article I found it) or elements in popular or daily culture. In my opinion, soft power is the “ensemble of culture(s)” in one country that could influence people’s behaviors and most importantly build that nation’s identity. For example, K-Wave has been successful because they, through K-dramas and K-pop, quite explicitly present their nationalism, their identity, to the world. Hard selling point: South Korea against North Korea and the ghost of Japanese imperialism (take Crash Landing on You and Exhuma as examples). But what is Thailand’s identity? Don’t tell me it’s democracy (okay “half-baked democracy [ประชาธิปไตยครึ่งใบ]” could be) as I wouldn’t sell. Equality, hell no, not yet. To me, Thailand’s identity  is “diversity”. Every region in the country is different: food, people, culture, mindset, even political standpoints. Not to mention gender diversity in the country. If the government wants to really sell “Thai soft power” to the world, diversity may be the strongest selling point. And, since people are the core of all diversity, the authorities have to really think and care about the people.

…..

Apr 15

The party on Saturday was just perfect and joyful even though right before my speech I accidentally made a bubble tea fall from the top of the fridge. The food was spicier than last time and some people noticed that, but all the guests enjoyed the dishes so much that just some curry and some boiled egg soup were the only leftovers. (I’m glad there was still some Masamaan left. The more you heat the curry, the more it gets better. Gonna put some chicken in it for the next meals.) Eventually, there were 20 people this time as I’d expected but didn’t think it would really happen. Some of them were many new faces and they all brought fun and good energy! I particularly loved how the Greek girls got along so well and fast that they started a water fight in a glimpse of time! 

Recap from Songkran night with this guy

who freaking talked to much while people were hungry

Speaking of a water fight, I just love how Ronjeh considered water guns “romantic”. She said, I quote:

maybe because guns are supposed to be violent in all forms but humans managed to make it “delicate” by inventing waterguns to have fun and not to harm each other lol.

I argued that it wouldn’t be romantic anymore if someone shot water into another person’s face or eyes. She agreed. Anyway, her words are always unique and genuinely wise without mincing. …..

I sent Happy Songkran messages to my family, some of my friends and people.

I knew everything must be alright to her, so I didn’t text to her. 

…..

Apr 17

Last night, I realized that I’d forgotten my own life lesson for quite some time: The persons with whom we get along today might distance themselves from us in the next day (คนที่ชอบพอกันในวันนี้ อาจเป็นคนที่เราไม่ได้ข้องเกี่ยวด้วยในวันถัดไป). I re-learnt the lesson real hard for the past couple days. The day before yesterday, it seemed she just ignored me while sitting at a table three inches away from mine. With my freaking bright orange hair and such proximity, there was no way she couldn’t see me. This could affirm my hypothesis she didn’t want to be friends with me. The other day, she just replied to my message after she had read it a week ago. I’d be less offended if she hadn’t answered at all. I admit that I crossed the line to each of them (at different times, of course), but I believe I didn’t do anything more awful than saying I liked them (again, at different times). (By the way, I’m still regretting about last year’s incident, it was really bad. B. or anyone shouldn’t have deserved that from the bad side of me). If you don’t even want to accept my friendship and kindness, I don’t mind anymore. I’ve for too long kept caring for people who didn’t want it in the first place. The wrong ones. This has to stop. I have to burn down some bridges. 

And for some people, they’ve too much caring from me. It was also me who gave too much. This has to be dealt with too. 

I have to break this vicious cycle.

Starting now.

…..

Some wise words from a friend before Songkran dinner party

.....

Continuation in Part V: On the Go on September 9, 2024

Experienced and written by: Peerachai Pasutan

Illustration by: @kandycraft.kt

Some photos and videos taken by: Maïté, Elena & Tan 

#DOBK